long time, yet again

I’ve been at a new job for almost a year now and I’ve made the mistake, twice, of allowing myself to be interested in a coworker. The first time seemed great, at first, but ended very poorly. People make stupid decisions. Let us leave it at that. The second time wasn’t quite so bad, note even close. I didn’t allow myself to truly fall for this one, but I was definitely interested. I invited her to join me for dinner + movie tomorrow (we’re both off) but she shot me down, citing a need to keep work and personal relationships separate. Especially give my past experience, I can’t quite disagree with that policy, even if I am willing to risk going against it myself. This last breakup was very traumatic, but at least I was spared that a second time. I’ll be 34 this month and I know that I am no longer a young man. I am fast on my way to middle age. This, doubtless, influences my relationship decisions, as much as I would like to say that I approach these things more dispassionately. I am at a point in my life where I would like a permanent, more lasting relationship. At some point, I also would like a child or two of my own. I suppose none of that is going to happen right at this moment.

“Loneliness is my least favorite thing about life. The thing that I’m most worried about is just being alone without anybody to care for or someone who will care for me.”
–Anne Hathaway–

3 weeks

so I had a girlfriend, for all of three weeks. Right this very moment, I am experiencing pain such as I have not felt in many years. I met a wonderful lady whom was coming out of a divorce and I felt that we had made a connection. This wasn’t something I took lightly either. I really felt that there was great potential in this relationship. I was willing to change my entire life to share her burdens. I was willing to treat her two sons as if they were my own (good kids). I would happily endure anything necessary towards that end. But, she chose to try to work it out with her husband. I can understand her motivation. but I still disagree. She wanted to make sure her kids were stable and happy. she can’t afford to be on her own and care for the kids. I offered to share this burden as well. I would be happy to. But she was so stubborn she wont do it. This hurts so much I can’t begin to put it into words. Was I not good enough? I am not going to be right inside for a long time.

Well over a year

Its been a while since I have felt compelled to post here. Right now I need to blow off some steam. I am at work right now and had to deal with two of my closest friends giving me shit over something silly. I had to place both of them on ignore on my messenger to get them to shut the fuck up. I am a creature of habit. I like to be in the same desk every day with my stuff arranged in the same way. I like to be left alone to do my job. It has come up, recently, that I am very territorial over my belongings. If someone touches my stuff without permission. I instantly go from calm to enraged. I tell people not to touch my stuff and figured this was plenty of warning. One of my friends (friend #1) thinks its his job to correct what he sees as my personality flaws and wont leave me alone about it for any reason. This one only finds out about it because I have another friend whom tells him every little fucking thing that goes on here like its any of his fucking business. I have told him (friend #2) to stop telling the other one shit about me that happens at work. He insists that I cannot dictate what he can and cannot tell people. He doesn’t seem to understand that ITS MY FUCKING BUSINESS, NOT HIS. I don’t understand how either one of them can be so goddamned nosey. I was in a decent mood when I got here a couple hours ago, but now I am HIGHLY irritated because of their bullshit. All they bare doing is making my antisocial behavior worse. I don’t like people. I don’t want to deal with my coworkers if I don’t have to. I just want to be left alone. I don’t see how this is a bad thing and no matter how much I try, neither of my friends can seem to grasp this simple concept. Is it really that difficult to understand?

its been a long time.

I am not even sure that anyone ever reads what I say on here. After all, its really just a place for me to vent. I have written about misunderstandings in the past between myself and female coworkers. It has gotten so out of hand, that I am not even doing anything at all, just being cordial and friendly in my interactions with them and several of these two-faced ladies apparently complaining behind my back, whilst showing smiles to my face. It’s gotten to sucha ridiculous level, that my boss’s boss and his boss are both seeing them as singling me out and ganging up on em for no reason. To hear it from them, I am a nice guy with a few odd personaliy quirks, but I am compeltely harmless. I would tend to agree with this assessment. I had avoided all of these ladies for several months, but when I was moved to our second office building, the seating section for my group was right next to theirs. I took this as an opportunity to mostly keep to myself and when I interacted with them to be progessional and cordial to show them that I am not a creep. They must have some horrible image of me in their minds that I just can’t seem to shake and its very disappointing. Its sad that I have to move to a different desk on the other side of a building because these two-faced women have decided they hate me for no good reason. Since when did being nice get mitaken so often for flirting or acting imappropriate. I don’t understand this at all. If I was an ass to them I would get in trouble, I am nice to them and they still try to get me in trouble. Is there really no hope for peaceful coexistance. Its a wonder I don’t jsut write off humanity as a whole and become a hermit.

“We are only falsehood, duplicity, contradiction; we both conceal and disguise ourselves from ourselves”
– Blaise Pascal

It happened again..

So there’s the story. We have a “pending” department where I work. Somtimes when there is no supervision downstairs they sit up here with us techie types. I had spent some time talking with one of these female employees and found ehr to be outgoing and intelligent. In the interest of building a rapport with a fellow employee that I found interesting (plurely platonic), I shared a link to an article that I had found on slashdot. I thought there might be common ground. I personally did not see any way this could be deemed offensive. It seems she went and complained to her Sup who took it to my boss’s boss. I got written up for it and told that if it happens again I will be let go.

Where is the courage in these people? If you have a beef with me, take it up with me so we can hash it out. I want to find a happy middle ground with my coworkers. I Don’t want to have to avoid them because something innocent could somehow be taken as offensive or inappropriate. It saddens me and angers me that no one is willing to fight their own battles anymore. Don’t be a wimp. Express yourself. There is no need to jeopardize me job because you are too easily offended.

Ulterior motives? unsure.

I’ve never before questioned my motivation for helping someone, but recent events have caused me to do so. I recommended an acquaintance for a job simply because I would do so for anyone that I knew. This is a new feeling for me. I confess that I find the thought distressing.

I saw on facebook that someone I knew was looking for a job. This is a person whom I had not seen (only spoken to online recently) in about 10 years. I told her that My place of employment was hiring and put in a recommendation for her once she had the online app filled out. Having then felt satisfied for helping someone who deserved it, I went about my day. This was last weekend.

Last night, I had a most surprising dream about this person. I was extremely surprised. I had never before thought of her in that way. Had a subconscious desire to be with this person colored my motivation for helping her get a job? Or is this a new desire created by my own loneliness and need to connect with someone of the opposite sex? I am unsure, but I would certainly be interested in the opinions of those who know me. What say you?

“Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.”
-Danish Proverb

More than halfway through a new year

I know, its been a long time since I’ve said anything here. I’ve been lazy, so sue me. Life has been crazy for a while. My car died on me, then I got a used pickup truck and 2 weeks into owning it discovered that it was a lemon. It has a very bad head gasket leak and driving it every day this way is just putting a lot of wear and strain on the engine. However, thanks to a close friend helping me out, I am getting a re-manufactured engine installed starting on Friday, June 17th. I wont go into the details on price, but let us just say it was a very good deal that I found/negotiated. I’ve got a re-manufactured engine now and the car truck is running fine.

The next thing of note is that I seem to be getting single out and targeted for harassment by one of the graveyard shift sups, for the last couple months. He is constantly being a dick to me. He has twisted the spirit of the rules here to write me up twice and forced me to move from my comfortable desk twice (I moved once, got settled in at a new desk and was forced to move again). He has purposely sat people in places I like to sit and instructed them not to move or swap keyboards (I can barely type on and ergonomic one and often trade for a standard one) and generally gives me a hard time for no reason that makes any sense to me. I have never seen him bother anyone else. It is getting to the point where my willpower to resist exploding and telling him off is beginning to wear thin. I know if I do this I will get sent home and possibly suspended. I am going to talk to my direct sup one more time about this. If he can’t get this guy to leave me alone, I am going to move my shift up 2 hours so he is leaving when I get here. It is getting to the point where I seriously hate this guy. I just can’t take much more of this bullshit.

SHITTY MORNING

So, this morning at work, the second floor people are now sitting on the 4th floor, due to there being no sup down there. I am being friendly with the ones that happen to be close to me, making casual harmless conversation, and two of them get up and move to the other side of the building. I then get bitched at by a supervisor about not making chit chat. WTF. I have been nothing but polite and friendly and this is the reward I get? This is complete bullshit. AND, they just got up and left, moved to other desks like I am some kind of fucking leper. What the fuck did I do to deserve that? I am hurt and angry beyond words right now.

Rage

BIG update

My posts have been getting few and far between. I’m sorry about that. I’ve felt less and less inclined to come here and post, though I am unsure as to why. So the following is am update on my life.

Yes, ladies, I am still single. Not for lack of trying, but it is what it is. I am still hanging out with my friends on the weekends, I still work the same hours at the same place, still drive the same car and still live in the same apartment. My life is rather boring. I’ve been catching up on the third season of Merlin, another BBC show, now being current.

Merlin

Its a bit like Smallville, but for Arthurian legend. From those that have see it that I know, You either love it or hate it, no middle ground. I like it a lot though. Just take it for what it is and enjoy yourself. However, everyone being completely oblivious to all the magic going on around them does get a bit tiresome.

I got a Printer for my PC, 32 plus tax at walmart. It also has a flatbed scanner on it and can print photos. I am sure I will find more uses for it than merely printing character sheets.

I started playing a new game recently, Lord of The Rings Online. Though its built a bit like DDO (Dungeons & Dragons Online), its a bit prettier, has a much richer story and world. I like the classes, the races and the crafting. Its currently free to play, so feel free to join me on Darrowdelf.

I suppose that’s all I have to say right now. Stay tuned for more.

Sick days

Thanks to freak food poisoning and the “Gator flu going around at work, I was sick 4 days out of the last 10. This was not fun. I will spare you the details but suffice it to say that the stomach pain was so bad, at one point, that I bummed a vicodin off my roommate just so I could get a few hours of sleep. It took me 3 days to get over the fever and headaches that came with it. today, I am very sore, almost all of my abdomen, from 3 days of tossing and turning. I am too broke to buy any medicine, until tomorrow, so I just have to tough it out. I took about an hour’s nap when I got home from work, this helped to loosen up some of the muscles in my back. Last night, I couldn’t get comfortable enough to sleep in my own bed, being forced to catch about 4-5 hours of interrupted sleep in the recliner in the living room.

On top of all this, the last week at work has been hell, do to someone with admin rights clicking the wrong link and getting our network infected with a nasty virus. We upgraded all the PC’s and have lost all my passwords twice. my windows profile was gone too. fun. Our internal messenger has been on the fritz today. It’s being such a tease. One minute, working fine, “hey I’m here, lets connect and chat”, the next gone, “screw you I have a headache. I suggested that someone feed the thing some poetry and flowers to keep it happy but I don’t think anyone did.